I ain't gonna fall in love no more

Historically, when I've been dating someone that I'm in love with, all I seem to care about is being with that person night and day (while ignoring everyone else) and when I'm not with that person all I seem to think about is being with that person (while ignoring everyone else)... or thinking about how I can make that person happier (while ignoring everyone else). I'll do this and neglect all other aspects of my life because I am content to simply be in love and rot to death that way. It's been enough times now that I think I can start to draw a pattern here. But why? What does love mean to me that it should make me weaker and more reclusive instead of stronger and more gregarious? I'd say sex, lol, but I've gone through enough drought in my relationships to know better.. The real reason is, I think, because when I'm in love I feel justified to exist, because I exist for them. I like who I am when I'm with that person because that person accepts me. Sex just takes that to a higher level, acceptance and surrender bound so tightly; everything unifies. That singularity we've attained, that was my ultimate validation of not only my existence, but of hers and ours and of something else that includes us within. For them it could have just been a good (or great) fuck, but for me it's always been about love and spirit and body... and when I've had sex where it was just about sex, it was never as good for me, it's lacked that same substance, it's not as real.

All this is dangerous for me, it's self-sabotage in the end. The problem with existing just for that one person all the time is that I lose most motivation to improve myself outside my role as lover and friend. When I was dating N she told me that I was the funniest, wisest, smartest, bestest darn best guy in the whole wide world (after we had been going out only a couple of weeks). Now I wasn't in love with her, but if I had been I think I would have given her sentiments total credibility. And I'm fucking far, far, fucking faaar from perfect in any way and by being content with that image of me she portrayed I would've chosen to stop evolving toward anything better, nothing aside from her drummed up version of me. I mean, a girl like that would've only absolved me from doing my best and I'dve let her too... for all I know I could've shat in a doggy dish and been fine with that as long as she didn't mind. Only living up to one person's expectations of me isn't actually living, it's being Mister Potato Head. When couples move in together and they get fat, it's not just because they like eating together, it's because the only approval they're seeking is from each other and they've already got it... so they can feel free to let themselves go. On the flip side, and I've said this before, love has motivated me to take risks that I wouldn't have otherwise, like comeing here to be in Mexico and eventually leading to other oppurtunities... but it's not that kind of "worlds moving" love that I'm talking about, I'm talking about what love can inevitably become: comfortable and routine and static, when that happens the steam all runs out for me.

Sometimes I wonder how things would be if G and I had worked it out in CBus, like happy ending style. We'd be in the same studio apartment, I'd still be cleaning bathrooms, she'd be cleaning hotel rooms, and we'd both be fat and watching telivision. Any illusions I hold that we would've gone out hiking every weekend or traveled around the country are just that. The truth is, we would've been too lazy and stoned to get out of bed for that and we wouldn'tve gotten around to motivating each other anytime soon either. Perfect example; if I was still with G, I'd still be a pack a day smoker and very content that way. See, there is no happy ending.

I used to think that things could be fixed and that they could stay fixed, but life is about constant maintenance and practice and adaptation. this is especially why I look at quitting smoking as something I do today instead of something I've already done and I'm trying to look at other areas of my life with this same philosophy,like in my approach to love relationships... but something has prevented me from doing that... I keep thinking "we made it through" and then a week later I'm out on my ass wondering what happened. Recovering alcoholics say that they are alcoholics for the rest of their lives (even when they're stranded on a small desert island with no place within 2,000 miles to buy beer) and it's the same way with the smoking, and my depression, my diet, my fitness, my work (maybe someday career), my relationships, everything. It's impossible to reach a final conclusion to any of those things. One Buddhist adage is, "if you see the Buddha on the road, kill him," meaning, you never find the "end" of the road and that's your happy ending, whether the end is Buddhahood (enlightenment), love, happiness, wealth, peace, power, security, whatever it is that's important to you, because eventually the "end" ends too (until we end). Life isn't a movie. This isn't negative though, it's understanding this that is the only way to keep going in the face of setback, disappointment, and loss and keep ourselves moving in a direction of progress.

A million years ago a girl named Paige told me, "You're not the kind of guy that you date, you're the kind of guy that you marry." This is like being not the kind of gate that you can open, but the kind that you just crash into; you bang it a lot and never get through to the other side. Christ, she was soo right (why else would I still remember this after a million years). I've never been looking to date, I've been looking for marriage... because the minute that I think I've finally found my life mate I'll feel I've come to the end of some great search and probably intend to marry her for ever and ever... this has already happened in varying degrees, but never ending in marriage... if they had ended in marriage and children and settleing down and all that, I think I would have been in for major fucking dissapointment before long. But wait, what if I found a girl who wanted to help me getter better and motivated me to help myself? The problem is that I don't want to be helped... absolved, excused, propped up; sure, but for some reason I won't really let myself be helped by someone else, I have to do it for myself because I'm a silly stubborn son-of-a-bitch.

The point of all of this is to say, I'm not mature enough for a relationship, and especially, especially, I am in no way ready for marriage. A lot of people will say that they don't want a boyfriend/girlfriend/whateverfriend right now because they want to be alone. 99% of the time these people are full of shit. It's conveniant for them to say this because they're already single and deep down inside they know that they should be alone for awhile, but the minute someone who isn't immediantly repellant shows up they'll throw all their virtues of growth out the window and saddle up. I'm not going to do this. I do need to be single; I need to evolve, I need to grow, I need to understand what I am... I need to be selfish, I need to work, I need to focus, I need to diversify, I need to have goals for myself that don't include someone else, I need to have dreams that are only for me, I need to become a whole person. I'm young still, 26, I could still get married in ten years once I've gained the confidence and resolve to manage my life and the vision to head up a family... if that's still what I want when I'm 36. In the meantime, it's gonna be me, me, me, me, me and I ain't gonna fall in love no more, no more, I ain't gonna fall in love no more.

NP: Zissou Society - Let Me Tell You About My Boat