Bledding Bells

Shit, my resolve sucks. I just got married.

Kidding, kidding... but I did just come out of the gym feeling like I was going to die and wishing that I had someone to come home to, someone to take care of this sick little boy. *sigh*

There's a large part of me that doesn't believe I can take care of myself... Especially with the onset of depression or sickness... and for the life of me I'm trying to learn. I mean, I actually get up at 7:00 am on Sundays to make salad for my entire week and for me this is the same stretch as Hitler going to a Seder dinner, and I'm doing it, but I worry, ya know. I worry that I may take a nose dive and that I'll need someone to lend me their comfort and care. I do miss having the support system of having someone carries with it. I just came very close, I think, to throwing up/passing out in the middle of the street and I wonder, who will be with me at the hospital if something really bad happens... my Spanish still sucks and my will to live is... erratic, so who's going to take care of me?

That's such a bullshit reason for being in a relationship though... or maybe it's not, I dunno, but the fact remains eventually they're going to die too and I'm going to have to depend on myself regardless and I can either learn to do that now or when my little support system gets swept away by inevitable impermanence... but right now it's still my choice, I don't have to be forced into it by death and loss. If I make the decision now to take care of myself even in the most disparaging circumstances then I will be stronger and that's what I really want for myself. I Am learning. I Will.

And I don't feel sick anymore.