I am not a blog

The thing about starting this blog for me was the same as all other things; I'm really good at thinking about about it and talking about it, but when it actually comes time to do it, I stall and think about it some more. I've always been so preoccupied with the idea of doing things right the first time, that there isn't any room for mistakes. The problem with that ideaology is that I can never decide what the right thing is and keep pondering and weighing the different sides. I'd be a horrible judge.

I've had so many things that I've wanted to get out (about myself I mean), but I never feel that I'm ready to commit my feeling to the web because once it's out there, it's encoded in stone forever, there to define me as a person. That's not true of course, people change and they should be allowed to change. I myself change in lesser ways ways every month and in greater every year, partly because of my shitting depression and partly because I've never had any self identity... but everyone changes. To try and hold onto anything that I believe or anything that I am now is foolish and goes against what beliefs I do have, but at the same time I'm afraid to box myself in, to make mistakes, to change my mind. I shouldn't be. I'm so self absorbed and all I want is to not care about my attitudes. When I put these things here on this blog I am not owning them, I am disowning them. Only actions and toasters can be owned, ideas and thoughts and feeling are everyones and they come and go into nothing. I am putting these thoughts down here so i can forget about them, not so I can read them or you can read them and we all get a better ideas of who I am. I am not my fucking khakis. I am not my fucking blog.

Take everything I say with a grain of salt because I take it with a spoonful.