...by a thread

Things are really not going well for me. I walked out on N because of some really terrible things she said to me, I won't be staying with her or seeing her again. I don't know if it's circumstance or me that's fucking up my life, but either way it's a close race. It's not easy to be a nice guy and make so many people hate you, but it can be done. E hates me, A hates me, and I loved them so much... Jo and C gave up on me, they spurned me as I spurned them; fair enough.

J still cares about me after everything... if anyone has a good reason to hate my guts it's her... but she doesn't... I wanted her to, I needed her to I think, but she doesn't. I love her so much and I miss her more than anything. And L, who I turned my back on when she needed me and reached for me... who I left without even a goodbye, she still wants my friendship. And Gaby still is there for me. I've been through and gone through more with her than anyone... she's always been the lighthouse in the storm that never turned off it's light for me. I love you all, I never meant to hurt any of you, I'm sorry for what I did, for what I didn't do. I'm scared you'll hate me too now. I'm scared the whole world hates me and only wants to gain my trust so it can take it away; To shame me.

At least I have good intentions and at least it's a long way to hell.

Oh god, don't let me screw things up any more. I'm not a bad person... I try to be good, I want to be... I understand that I need to pay for my sins so I can repent them, but why make the punishment not fit the crime? Why does one hate me who I did none for but care and one love me whom I've knowingly betrayed? And why do my own feelings and emotions betray me and the ones I love? I didn't ask to feel so much, I didn't ask for these emotions that engulf me like the sea. All I ever wanted was to trust and be accepted and in my vulnerability I've been gutted out like a fish, but not by the one's I handed the knife, it was by the one's I handed the rose. I don't understand, I don't understand any of it. I am Ka-Mai, I am The Fool.

Anyways, N has abandoned me now too so if I don't find a new place by the end of the month I'll be living at a youth hostel or fleabag motel until I can find something better. I'll keep what i can at G's, the rest I'll toss.

This Sucks.