Conquering the Beast

My depression ran like diseased clockwork for fifteen years. For fifteen brutal years its' chime brought the rusted gears of my positive mind to a grinding halt; those tortuous finite hours became an infinity after infinity. It was during one of these when I told a girl whom I loved like a hummmingbird loves the sweetness of nectar that I would never become a better man, that I would never change, that I would only disappoint her and myself, that I would be ruined forever. That I could only poison her sweetness. She didn't try to persuade me otherwise; she believed it because I believed it.

I didn't just lose that girl once, I lost her over and over and over again. and every time that I lost her I vowed to myself that I *would* change, that I *would* become a better man, because if being the man I was meant losing the precious gifts this world has to offer me, if it meant losing her, then I didn't want to be that kind of person anymore. I wanted to be good for her; I wanted to be good for me. That was a seed. That was a start.

Fast forward.

Here I am, 1 month and 1 day of solid, unbroken, unhampered wellness. Over one month and I don't feel the gears in my mind winding down in the slightest. In this month without Sun, in this month of wind and rain, my depression, it seems, stayed indoors. The past seven days I've been holding my breath waiting for the other galosh to innevitably drop, but it never did. The Beast never came. It's a miracle. (actually, no, it was hard fucking work).

For the first time since that Beast began to feed off me, I'm beginning to see that it *is* conquerable. That with everything I've accomplished, every challenge I've overcome, every weakness I've bested, every setback I've endured, that change is possible. Somehow, someway, something is different. I'm different. I changed.

I recognize that the Beast is still there, that it's only in hibernation or off on holiday, and that it will be back again. But next time he returns I won't feel helpless. Next time he comes back I won't run and hide; I'll invite him in for a taste of my tea. It's a recipe I found for betterment and I'm going to follow every-little-step while I serve him. From now on his visits will be rarer and rarer and one day he won't care to visit at all.

He doesn't like my tea. (it's too sweet)

Whatever it was that I was looking for in Mexico, I may have finally found it in me. I'm almost ready to move on now... but I'm also in no hurry. I'm not swimming against the current anymore; the tides have turned.

God Bless. ;)