Playa Caleta

I'm all moved into my new room. It was a hellish couple of days but I got through it.

I'll be back.

¡Muévate!

Well Campers:

This may be my last post for a few days. I'm unexpectedly moving tomorrow - and Thursday too - and the place I'm moving to, although very nice, doesn't have internet. But, I'll be checking into the internet cafes when I can to let the world (and myself) know how I'm doing.

Wish me luck!

*up, up, and away*

Surfacing

I'm back.

No more whining.

No more feeling sorry for myself.

I'm rising.

I'm breaking the membrane.

I'm reaching through.

I'm breathing.

Letting go.

I'm Surfacing.

Fear #6:

Putting my foot into a slipper and there's a cockroach/awfulness inside.

Just happened. Freaked me out. I killed it. I feel sad now. And afraid of my slippers.

*laugh track*

Radiohead - Just

Can't get the stink off
He's been hanging round for days
Comes like a comet
Suckered you but not your friends
One day he'll get to you
And teach you how to be a holy cow

You do it to yourself, you do
And that's what really hurts
Is that you do it to yourself
Just you and no one else
You do it to yourself
You do it to yourself

Don't get my sympathy
Hanging out the 15th floor
You've changed the locks three times
He still comes reeling through the door
One day I'll get you
And teach you how to get to purest hell

You do it to yourself, you do
And that's what really hurts
Is that you do it to yourself
Just you, you and no one else
You do it to yourself
You do it to yourself

You do it to yourself, you do
And that's what really hurts
Is that you do it to yourself
Just you, you and no one else
You do it to yourself
You do it to yourself.. yourself.. yourself..

...by a thread

Things are really not going well for me. I walked out on N because of some really terrible things she said to me, I won't be staying with her or seeing her again. I don't know if it's circumstance or me that's fucking up my life, but either way it's a close race. It's not easy to be a nice guy and make so many people hate you, but it can be done. E hates me, A hates me, and I loved them so much... Jo and C gave up on me, they spurned me as I spurned them; fair enough.

J still cares about me after everything... if anyone has a good reason to hate my guts it's her... but she doesn't... I wanted her to, I needed her to I think, but she doesn't. I love her so much and I miss her more than anything. And L, who I turned my back on when she needed me and reached for me... who I left without even a goodbye, she still wants my friendship. And Gaby still is there for me. I've been through and gone through more with her than anyone... she's always been the lighthouse in the storm that never turned off it's light for me. I love you all, I never meant to hurt any of you, I'm sorry for what I did, for what I didn't do. I'm scared you'll hate me too now. I'm scared the whole world hates me and only wants to gain my trust so it can take it away; To shame me.

At least I have good intentions and at least it's a long way to hell.

Oh god, don't let me screw things up any more. I'm not a bad person... I try to be good, I want to be... I understand that I need to pay for my sins so I can repent them, but why make the punishment not fit the crime? Why does one hate me who I did none for but care and one love me whom I've knowingly betrayed? And why do my own feelings and emotions betray me and the ones I love? I didn't ask to feel so much, I didn't ask for these emotions that engulf me like the sea. All I ever wanted was to trust and be accepted and in my vulnerability I've been gutted out like a fish, but not by the one's I handed the knife, it was by the one's I handed the rose. I don't understand, I don't understand any of it. I am Ka-Mai, I am The Fool.

Anyways, N has abandoned me now too so if I don't find a new place by the end of the month I'll be living at a youth hostel or fleabag motel until I can find something better. I'll keep what i can at G's, the rest I'll toss.

This Sucks.

NiN - Reptile

she spreads herself wide open to let the insects in
she leaves a trail of honey to show me where she's been
she has the blood of reptile just underneath her skin
seeds from a thousand others drip down from within

oh my beautiful liar
oh my precious whore
my disease my infection
I am so impure

give it

devils speak of the way in which she'll manifest
angels bleed from the tainted touch of my caress
need to contaminate to alleviate this loneliness
I now know the depths I reach are limitless

oh my beautiful liar
oh my precious whore
my disease my infection
I am so impure

Smashing Pumpkins - To Forgive

Ten times removed
I forget about where it all began
Bastard son of a bastard son of
A wild eyed child of the sun
And right as rain, I’m not the same
But I feel the same, I feel nothing

Holding back the fool again
Holding back the fool pretends
I forget to forget nothing is important
Holding back the fool again

I sensed my loss
Before I even learned to talk
And I remember my birthdays
Empty party afternoons won’t come back

I forget to forget me
I forget to forget you see
Nothing is important to me

I knew my loss
Before I even learned to speak
And all along, I knew it was wrong
But I played along, with my birthday song

10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag

Those disparaging circumstances that i had been talking about, they must have heard me cuz they're here and picketing outside my window.

I'm sitting in the middle of my half disassembled room, there's dirty clothes piled up, my shower is full of drying dishes, there's a blender next to my toothbrush, I'm staring at a bag of garlic flavored croutons and crying . I'm officially pathetic.

So I have to move out very, very soon because the woman I rent from is a cruel uncaring bitch. My only alternatives right now are to move in with Natalia or pack it up and go home (comparable to slamming my nuts in the freezer)... moving in with Natalia seems the better. I have till the end of the month, but as one put it, the bitch is fucking Machiavellian... I can't continue to stay here, it isn't healthy for me.

I'd just started looking for a new place b/c I thought I'd have plenty of time, supposedly six months to make the transition, but Mitzy decided she couldn't wait and pretty much told me to get out. It was going to be hard enough just finding a place, now I have to face packing up my whole life (again) w/o having any clear idea of where I'm going. I don't even know how I'm moving the stuff... I imagine myself carrying everything to her apartment by the armloads... good thing I've been working out, heh. Everytime I try to take all my maps and pictures down off the wall I just start crying, everytime I try to discuss how we're going to do this with N I feel overwhelmed and panicy. I'm fucking just so fucking scared and hurt and furious... and alone.

Why do I keep getting abandoned...? I just wish things would settle long enough for me to focus on getting better instead of always having to focus on things not getting worse.

Well, this is the lastest test wether I'll cave in or tough it through. At least we'll get to see if I'm full of shit or not. Things are definitely going to get worse before they get better.

Asi es

Can't Catch a Break

*God's laughter*

I'm moving in with N.

I'm not joking, apparently God is though.

Bledding Bells

Shit, my resolve sucks. I just got married.

Kidding, kidding... but I did just come out of the gym feeling like I was going to die and wishing that I had someone to come home to, someone to take care of this sick little boy. *sigh*

There's a large part of me that doesn't believe I can take care of myself... Especially with the onset of depression or sickness... and for the life of me I'm trying to learn. I mean, I actually get up at 7:00 am on Sundays to make salad for my entire week and for me this is the same stretch as Hitler going to a Seder dinner, and I'm doing it, but I worry, ya know. I worry that I may take a nose dive and that I'll need someone to lend me their comfort and care. I do miss having the support system of having someone carries with it. I just came very close, I think, to throwing up/passing out in the middle of the street and I wonder, who will be with me at the hospital if something really bad happens... my Spanish still sucks and my will to live is... erratic, so who's going to take care of me?

That's such a bullshit reason for being in a relationship though... or maybe it's not, I dunno, but the fact remains eventually they're going to die too and I'm going to have to depend on myself regardless and I can either learn to do that now or when my little support system gets swept away by inevitable impermanence... but right now it's still my choice, I don't have to be forced into it by death and loss. If I make the decision now to take care of myself even in the most disparaging circumstances then I will be stronger and that's what I really want for myself. I Am learning. I Will.

And I don't feel sick anymore.

Cling Much?

In light of my pledge not to seek out love interests, I'd like to relate some observations of Mexican women, within the realm of dating and romance.

Basically women here treat their men like old ladies trap their indoor cats... if they glimpse an open door or window they'll rush to slam it before we get a chance to even think of escape... which they fully expect us to do, (and besides that spoiling them rotten). The shut doors and windows in this case are usually called marriage and sometimes called dependency manipulation (includes pregnancy, finances, residence...) Many women feel this is the only way to secure their continued possession of their men... meanwhile they wonder when the other shoe will drop.

Not that they're unfounded in their assumptions... most mexican men do cheat on their girlfriends/wives... and often..., many men do disappear completely, and some will even keep a 2nd family on the side like an ace up their sleeve... so to a great extent they do need to be guarded and watched and shouldn't be trusted. I'm still not exactly sure what machismo signifies, but this is part of it I think.

But what I don't understand is if men here are such back-stabbing pigs, why do the women place such a high importance on pinning them down them in the first place? They veritably chase us down with butterfly nets, then once they have us in their grip, they'll keep us palmed like lightening bugs for fear someone will see their glowing treasure. Really, why the desperation? I guess it's mostly because in the standard household, girls are raised with the expectation that their role is to be a mother and wife and if they don't fulfill that purpose, they're perceived as failures by their family (and here keeping your family pleased is priority numero uno).

There's one girl that I tutor, a really sweet 25 year old, and all she cares about is getting married. She's dating this awful man because she thinks he'll be able to offer that to her. She told me how he treats her; he forbids her from smoking, visiting any men outside of work, he has to know where she is at all times and calls repeatedly to confirm her alibis, she has to cut her hair a certain way, she has to reveal intimate secrets of her previous relationships, etc, etc, etc, and then he has the gall to say that he won't buy her things or take her nice places because quote, "I'm not your husband," and if she fails to meet his demands he's threatened to flat-out leave her. Personally I think he's bluffing about leaving her, but none-the-less she complies with his routine interrogations and inspections to the point where she's constructed alternate versions of her life that conform to his "model," of how she should be. She still smokes, and still visits male friends and she goes to great lengths to cover these things up; writing down the previous answers that she had given him to maintain her continuity, hiding any evidence of smoking, asking people to lie for her, etc, etc... and why does she clutch and claw for his approval? because she has to get married. Guess how long they've been dating. Go on, guess.

One Month.
And he's probably cheating on her.

And it's not just her, many women feel that men will always be a hair trigger away from abandoning them. I've told G (on more than one occasion) how N has been helping me out with various things and she'll approvingly say, "oh... she's smaart!" implying that N has manipulated certain situations so that I will reliant on her even though we're no longer dating (which makes me wonder how "smart" G has been to her boyfriends...) I hope G doesn't think I've applied these same tactics to her to keep us attached, like for example that I live only a few blocks from her job, because that would be fucking scandalous. (oddly this is the 2nd time I've lived this close to an ex-girlfriend's job... strange, yet coincidental. Really I Swear!) I hate those games, love to me isn't Chess or Risk or Stratego, it is love, and the fact that this is an accepted, even expected way of maintaining relationships doesn't exactly make me crazy about seeking out a new one. In fact it makes me want to avoid the potential death grip of dating altogether right now... because if I do I'm fucking vulnerable to fall for it.

Have I mentioned that not one, not two, but every single American I've met that's living here is here because of a girl? And that every one of them (except me) is either married to or still dating that person? Yup. And the Canadians and Brits might come here single, but as soon as they're off the plane they get snatched up faster than a donut in a weight-loss clinic.

Not me, baby... you can look, you can touch, but don't you dare sink your teeth in.

David Bowie - Rock 'n' Roll Suicide

Time takes a cigarette, puts it in your mouth
You pull on your finger, then another finger, then your cigarette
The wall-to-wall is calling, it lingers, then you forget
Ohhh how how how, you're a rock 'n' roll suicide

You're too old to lose it, too young to choose it
And the clocks waits so patiently on your song
You walk past a cafe but you don't eat when you've lived too long
Oh, no, no, no, you're a rock 'n' roll suicide

Chev brakes are snarling as you stumble across the road
But the day breaks instead so you hurry home
Don't let the sun blast your shadow
Don't let the milk float ride your mind
You're so natural - religiously unkind

Oh no love! you're not alone
You're watching yourself but you're too unfair
You got your head all tangled up but if I could only
Make you care

Oh no love! you're not alone
No matter what or who you've been
No matter when or where you've seen
All the knives seem to lacerate your brain
I've had my share, I'll help you with the pain
You're not alone

Just turn on with me and you're not alone
Let's turn on with me and you're not alone (wonderful)
Let's turn on and be not alone (wonderful)
Gimme your hands cause you're wonderful (wonderful)
Gimme your hands cause you're wonderful (wonderful)
Oh gimme your hands.

The Jesus or The Egg?

No Easter baskets or bunnies here unfortunatley... not so much as a Peep... somewhere along the line the rest of the universe forgot that Jesus dying and comeing back was about candy and fun and pink plastic grass... who do I gotta martyr around here for a cadbury cream egg anyways?!

Unless you're Jewish, or Islamic, or Hindu, a Jehovah's Witness, a Satanist, a Communist, or a Ventriloquist; Happy Jesus Day Everyone!

I ain't gonna fall in love no more

Historically, when I've been dating someone that I'm in love with, all I seem to care about is being with that person night and day (while ignoring everyone else) and when I'm not with that person all I seem to think about is being with that person (while ignoring everyone else)... or thinking about how I can make that person happier (while ignoring everyone else). I'll do this and neglect all other aspects of my life because I am content to simply be in love and rot to death that way. It's been enough times now that I think I can start to draw a pattern here. But why? What does love mean to me that it should make me weaker and more reclusive instead of stronger and more gregarious? I'd say sex, lol, but I've gone through enough drought in my relationships to know better.. The real reason is, I think, because when I'm in love I feel justified to exist, because I exist for them. I like who I am when I'm with that person because that person accepts me. Sex just takes that to a higher level, acceptance and surrender bound so tightly; everything unifies. That singularity we've attained, that was my ultimate validation of not only my existence, but of hers and ours and of something else that includes us within. For them it could have just been a good (or great) fuck, but for me it's always been about love and spirit and body... and when I've had sex where it was just about sex, it was never as good for me, it's lacked that same substance, it's not as real.

All this is dangerous for me, it's self-sabotage in the end. The problem with existing just for that one person all the time is that I lose most motivation to improve myself outside my role as lover and friend. When I was dating N she told me that I was the funniest, wisest, smartest, bestest darn best guy in the whole wide world (after we had been going out only a couple of weeks). Now I wasn't in love with her, but if I had been I think I would have given her sentiments total credibility. And I'm fucking far, far, fucking faaar from perfect in any way and by being content with that image of me she portrayed I would've chosen to stop evolving toward anything better, nothing aside from her drummed up version of me. I mean, a girl like that would've only absolved me from doing my best and I'dve let her too... for all I know I could've shat in a doggy dish and been fine with that as long as she didn't mind. Only living up to one person's expectations of me isn't actually living, it's being Mister Potato Head. When couples move in together and they get fat, it's not just because they like eating together, it's because the only approval they're seeking is from each other and they've already got it... so they can feel free to let themselves go. On the flip side, and I've said this before, love has motivated me to take risks that I wouldn't have otherwise, like comeing here to be in Mexico and eventually leading to other oppurtunities... but it's not that kind of "worlds moving" love that I'm talking about, I'm talking about what love can inevitably become: comfortable and routine and static, when that happens the steam all runs out for me.

Sometimes I wonder how things would be if G and I had worked it out in CBus, like happy ending style. We'd be in the same studio apartment, I'd still be cleaning bathrooms, she'd be cleaning hotel rooms, and we'd both be fat and watching telivision. Any illusions I hold that we would've gone out hiking every weekend or traveled around the country are just that. The truth is, we would've been too lazy and stoned to get out of bed for that and we wouldn'tve gotten around to motivating each other anytime soon either. Perfect example; if I was still with G, I'd still be a pack a day smoker and very content that way. See, there is no happy ending.

I used to think that things could be fixed and that they could stay fixed, but life is about constant maintenance and practice and adaptation. this is especially why I look at quitting smoking as something I do today instead of something I've already done and I'm trying to look at other areas of my life with this same philosophy,like in my approach to love relationships... but something has prevented me from doing that... I keep thinking "we made it through" and then a week later I'm out on my ass wondering what happened. Recovering alcoholics say that they are alcoholics for the rest of their lives (even when they're stranded on a small desert island with no place within 2,000 miles to buy beer) and it's the same way with the smoking, and my depression, my diet, my fitness, my work (maybe someday career), my relationships, everything. It's impossible to reach a final conclusion to any of those things. One Buddhist adage is, "if you see the Buddha on the road, kill him," meaning, you never find the "end" of the road and that's your happy ending, whether the end is Buddhahood (enlightenment), love, happiness, wealth, peace, power, security, whatever it is that's important to you, because eventually the "end" ends too (until we end). Life isn't a movie. This isn't negative though, it's understanding this that is the only way to keep going in the face of setback, disappointment, and loss and keep ourselves moving in a direction of progress.

A million years ago a girl named Paige told me, "You're not the kind of guy that you date, you're the kind of guy that you marry." This is like being not the kind of gate that you can open, but the kind that you just crash into; you bang it a lot and never get through to the other side. Christ, she was soo right (why else would I still remember this after a million years). I've never been looking to date, I've been looking for marriage... because the minute that I think I've finally found my life mate I'll feel I've come to the end of some great search and probably intend to marry her for ever and ever... this has already happened in varying degrees, but never ending in marriage... if they had ended in marriage and children and settleing down and all that, I think I would have been in for major fucking dissapointment before long. But wait, what if I found a girl who wanted to help me getter better and motivated me to help myself? The problem is that I don't want to be helped... absolved, excused, propped up; sure, but for some reason I won't really let myself be helped by someone else, I have to do it for myself because I'm a silly stubborn son-of-a-bitch.

The point of all of this is to say, I'm not mature enough for a relationship, and especially, especially, I am in no way ready for marriage. A lot of people will say that they don't want a boyfriend/girlfriend/whateverfriend right now because they want to be alone. 99% of the time these people are full of shit. It's conveniant for them to say this because they're already single and deep down inside they know that they should be alone for awhile, but the minute someone who isn't immediantly repellant shows up they'll throw all their virtues of growth out the window and saddle up. I'm not going to do this. I do need to be single; I need to evolve, I need to grow, I need to understand what I am... I need to be selfish, I need to work, I need to focus, I need to diversify, I need to have goals for myself that don't include someone else, I need to have dreams that are only for me, I need to become a whole person. I'm young still, 26, I could still get married in ten years once I've gained the confidence and resolve to manage my life and the vision to head up a family... if that's still what I want when I'm 36. In the meantime, it's gonna be me, me, me, me, me and I ain't gonna fall in love no more, no more, I ain't gonna fall in love no more.

NP: Zissou Society - Let Me Tell You About My Boat

elliott smith - say yes

i'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl
who's still around the morning after
we broke up a month ago and i grew up i didn't know
i'd be around the morning after
it's always been wait and see
a happy day and then you pay
and feel like shit the morning after
but now i feel changed around and instead of falling down
i'm standing up the morning after
situations get fucked up and turned around sooner or later
i could be another fool or an exception to the rule
you tell me the morning after
crooked spin can't come to rest
i'm damaged bad at best
she'll decide what she wants
i'll probably be the last to know
no one says until it shows see how it is
they want you or they don't
say yes
i'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl
who's still around the morning after

-elliott smith 1969-2003

things here... they're kinda laid back

in a way. when people are on the job, it's cool for them to do their own thing too. por ejemplo, someone working the check-out register could also be talking on their cell. in most service type jobs here it's cool to watch tv or read or whatever if it doesn't interfere with your job. in the case of one of the personal trainers at my gym, it's cool for him to hardcore make out with girls while he's training them (I'm not really sure what he's training them for though, so I'm sure it's on the program). Can't say I'm a fan of watching him give her tongue-lick sit-up exercises while I'm trying to benchpress right next to them. what they were doing wasn't even tonguing as I know it, it was more like sword fighting with tongues... but oddly enough this doesn't seem to phase anyone else. (actually they were kissing each other like this girl I went out with had kissed me all night, like she was trying to lick out a mixing bowl. I was like, woah take it easy ther, don't eat my face. yeah, not a fan of that either.) people make out all over the place here, people fuck all over the place here, it's no big secret. I mean it's fine, run around naked jerking yourself off, whatever, but still it's... distracting. VERY distracting, lol. I dunno why I'm so bothered by it though... people don't really get it on in public in the States and if they do it's because they want people to watch them. I don't think people spoon each other here because they know (sometimes) hundreds of people will see them, I think it's because they don't give a fuck if people are there or not. I've never much liked making out in public unless I'm drunk or really horny, but from what I've seen and from the girls I've dated, public makeout is kinda obligatory. My job isn't laid back at all, I have to wear a tie and carry a briefcase and have my shoes shined and my hair cut every so often and they make a big deal out of it if I don't (I've pushed the boundaries a little). Most of my supervised observation is based on "grooming". Bungle really is the exception though, from what I've observed, and I guess that's what makes them the market leader. what else... umm everyone smokes pot and you can buy it from guys who park cars on the street (like drive-thru, alum creek style). You can smoke cigs pretty much everywhere, except hospitals and buses and the metro... and movie theatres. They have little smoking areas in a lot of offices and such... that was pretty awesome back when I used to smoke, especially in the malls, lol. Walking in the middle of the street and parking in the middle of the sidewalk is pretty acceptable, at your own risk. I saw a guy playing matador with about fifty zooming cars using his red sweater. (he wasn't half bad either) You can bring dogs many many places... (god and in the classy neighborhoods there's hundreds of these skinny fat middle aged women walking around with poodles and chiuahas and pedigree rats under their arms like little furry pocket books. that's a kick.) showing up fifteen minutes late isn't just fashionable, it's a t-shirt and jeans. the lines on the street and the traffic lights and such... really they're more like guidelines than "laws". Wanna take a left turn from the sixth lane to the right, go for it fella. wanna take a nap in your car, go for it gal. would you like to buy the new superman dvd for less than a $1? well, no me neither, but you could if you wanted to and from a gazzilion different places. man there's gotta be a million little other little things like that that are just like; do whatever you want. (well, there's no take a peso leave a peso). For the mostpart, I like it... but please put your tongue back in your face!

NP: Led Zeppelin - Battle of Evermore

PS. It just happened again! I walked into an Oxxo (Mexico's version of 7-11) about ten minutes ago and the two employees behind the counter are straight up making out with each other... and while there's customers in the store! Haha, it's pretty funny how shocked I get and then to look around and see that no one else cares. God bless this country.

lifting the veil

I'm better today. Actually after writing in my blog yesterday I felt a lot better and I was pretty much back to normal after going to the gym. So, to point out a few things to myself about yesterdays post:

1. Yeah i do have a lot of nightmares, but that's no excuse to carry them around with me like some badge of suffering.

2. Lots of people would miss me if I died, friend here and in C-bus, on-line friends, my family. Besides, I won't be a mouldy lump under the sheets until I've had grandkids and great-grandkids.

3. No person would ever turn the room where someone just died into a nursery. Crypt; yes. Nursery; no.

4. G would never brink Asslick to my funeral because she knows I hate him. That would just be rude. I'd certainly haunt them.

5. It's not even important, because I don't do favors so that they'll be returned, but G has done plenty for me and she's made good on most of her promises. I can't expect any more than that.

6. I don't trudge on bloody footsies everyday, maybe just a week out of every month (and it's becoming less, I think). I actually stole that line from a Stephen King book to give you an idea of how melodramatic I was being. Most days I'm fine... it's just that when I'm depressed it seems/feels like I've always been depressed. This is one of my major fallacies in reasoning when I'm under the Bell Jar: That things have always been like this and they always will be. Untrue!

NP: MoFro - Blackwater

misery prefers solitude

Today I couldn't get out of bed. I knew I had to go to work, but I just didn't care. Feeling the way I felt I just wanted the world to go away... just the oblivion of sleep.

I don't know if the dreams brought the depression or my depression brought the dreams, but they were terrible. First one I remembered was playing mya song on my guitar for G (Last Kiss), trying to put the chords together for her they wouldn't ring true, my fingers felt unsure and awkward, and she was losing her patience and trust that I would ever play for her again. In the next dream my dog was dead along with my brother and mom. After I hadn't fed my dog Buttermilk for three days her stomach had torn itself open, spilling her guts everywhere in a slow, agonizing death. I don't know what happened to my brother and mother; the dreams had already moved on. I had a pretty typical dream after that, that the world was overrun by vampires (sometimes it's zombies) and I was constantly fleeing and fighting them, searching for a haven or a familiar non-vampire face in the ruined landscape.

I wake up knowing they were just dreams but that they had actually happened in a sense. What point is there in getting up? in the end I'll just be lying down to die.

I used to wake up every day like this. In high school I'd wake up screaming sometimes. One or two days a week I'd just lie in bed until someone came... sometimes I'd just pretend to sleep until they left.

Now there's no one to miss me... I think if I died here in my room it would be my cleaning lady who would first notice the unmoving lump under the sheets, not G or M or V or even N, and if not for the cleaning lady I'd be growing a hairy shrub before anyone came. Would they care? Yeah, M and V would have me out of their future nursery five months early, they'd probably dig my grave themselves, I'd make great pot fertilizer. G and her new boyfriend (at least I'd have one last chance to ignore him) would come to pay their last respects, he could comfort her and hold her and kiss her... she'd be relieved to have me finally out of her life, she wouldn't have to burden herself with asking me for favors she'll never return and making promises she'll never make good on. What a joy my death would be for the world.

I really think these things when I'm depressed, it won't be till later that I realize how stupid these imaginings are (god, I hope I realize)... but like a fish doesn't realize it's wet until it's flopping around on the dry ground, I don't realize my flawed, loaded, and self-sabotaging thought patterns until I'm well again. A caged bird could sooner describe flight than I could desribe what objective reality is.

But at the least I do know it's flawed, even if I'm hesitant to believe it. So I did go to work today. I will eat today. I will go to exercise and lift weights this evening. I will continue to live my life (even though it feels futile)... in hopes that someday I'll look back and be grateful that I didn't give up, that I didn't give-in to my self-defeating thought demons. Everyday I trudge on bloody feet, because somewhere, someday, my path won't be paved in broken glass and I will heal.

NP: Lauren Hill - When It Hurts So Bad

Top Five Fears

In no particular order:

5. Things with more than five legs, excluding sofas and deities

I dunno why, but it's just unnatural for anything to have that many legs... When I see these alien creatures creeping & crawling I can feel their legs under my skin, skittering under my flesh... Personally I think centipedes and spiders are left overs from a time when the world was overrun by chaos and mutants before there was balance and unity... somehow God forgot to squish them under his colossal sandal. ABOMINATION!

4. clowns, but not mimes

Just like spiders are remains of an alien diminsion, clowns are relics of a hell dimension. Giant feet, huge grimacing lips, deathly pale skin, bloated stomachs and noses, usually reaking of alcohol. What's funny about that? NOTHING, it's fucking terrifying is what it is. They're demons, plain and simple, and any parents who lets their children anywhere near one deserves to be eaten. What worries me the most is that they aren't the kind of scary that makes me run away, they're the kind of scary that makes me want to kill them for the sake of the human race. Seriously... one of these days some clown is gonna try and give me a balloon spider and I'm going to strangle him until he bleeds silly string from his eyes.

3. dark caves (no fruedyisms please)

I've been in more than one dark cave by myself and deeper I get, the more panicy I become. It's not that I'm afraid of the dark nor confined spaces... It's partly to do with the dormant unknown that might be lying in wait (feeling along the dank walls; feeling spiders, clowns, spiders, clowns) and partly that I'm afraid I'll fall and get hurt. So why have I crept into these places alone? I like to face my fears.

2. being crippled or disfigured

That would just suck. Mostly this is my ego's fear of annhilation of the self... so hopefully I will get over this one.

1. drowning

I almost drowned last year with my ex-gf, G. Before we knew what was happening the tide had pulled us out to sea. We could faintly see people gathering on the beach waving their arms and yelling. (Lucky us, the lifeguard was away at the hospital delivering his baby... a life for a life, almost.) I remember the sharp realization that came with knowing we were in serious, serious danger of dying. That this could be it. We desperatly struggled against the currents; stroke, stroke, dive under a wave, stroke, stroke, get smacked by a wave, stroke, stroke, dive, one breath at the wrong instant meant a mouth full of water. The scariest moments were everytime a wave would come along I would lose sight of G until it subsided, an eternal second of wondering if she was going to sink or surface, of knowing that I would dive after her, of knowing that we were going to die like that. I saw myself sinking, looking up to see the defracted light getting dimmer and futher from reach, grasping for G's hand in one final attempt at rescue, feeling so cold, so tired, so heavy.... Darkness.

I wanted to live... for the first time in awhile I really wanted to live, but it unbearable to keep the pace, so hard to breath and float... the ocean was so much more than us, we might as well have been paper boats in a blender. The relief of feeling sand under my feet again must have been like how the hanging man feels when his flailing legs finally meet the safety of solid ground. We crawled our weak asses back onto the beach, as far from the water as our exhaustion would allow, taking great gulping breaths of the salty air. It took awhile to get back in and my feet never trailed far from the bottom.

When I see the ocean I am humbled by it's awesome gravity. Even now, I'm still there.